Ubiquitous Academicians

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Carry-on Baggage Regulations: What would we do without them?

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I’m preparing for a vacation. The travel plans include flying – therefor, I’m checking up on carry-on regulations and such. On Continental Airline’s website, I’ve just left behind a large portion of my faith in security measures.
Here’s why:

“Items greater than 3.4 ounces and/or not contained in a zip-top bag may
be allowed on board but must be declared to the TSA at the security
checkpoint for screening. These items include baby formula, milk (to
include breast milk), baby food, juice, medications and liquids/gels
that are needed for diabetic or other medical conditions.”

Is it just me, or do you see an awkward situation when someone steps up to declare their breast milk? “Oh, and sir, I’m lactating. Don’t worry, I promise not to commit any felonies with my milk.”

And how about seminal fluid? Blood? Saliva? Tears?

“Due to higher security levels at airports worldwide, gifts and packages
are subject to the same inspection as your carry-on baggage. To reduce
delays at the airport security checkpoint Continental recommends that
you travel with your packages unwrapped. This will allow for easy
inspection, if necessary.”

Please keep your mind firmly in hand while reading this – don’t let it near that nasty gutter.

Haven’t there been multiple people who failed to do this, and subsequently were arrested for indecent exposure and/or lewdness?

“In addition to the one carry-on item, you may bring free-of-charge the below items:

  • one small personal article such as a briefcase, purse, day planner,
    small laptop computer, camera case, compact disk player or similar
    sized personal entertainment item
  • personal aid devices such as wheelchairs, braces, canes, crutches,
    prosthetic devices and walking sticks, provided passenger is dependent
    on them
  • one infant article such as a small collapsible stroller, a diaper
    bag or a government approved child seat (larger strollers can be
    checked in the jetway prior to boarding the aircraft)”

I’m not sure – am I dependent on my braces? I sure hope they don’t confiscate them like that poor old guy’s cane…

“Effective Aug. 4, 2007, laptop computers, full-size video game consoles
(for example Playstation®, X-box®, or Nintendo®), full-size DVD
players, and video cameras that use video cassettes and CPAP breathing
machines must be removed from their carrying cases and submitted
separately for x-ray screening.”

If your video camera uses a CPAP Breathing Machine, it must be examined separately, so as to make sure that… Well, never mind.

“For flights departing Delhi, the following items may be carried on in addition to the one carry-on item:

  • Purse, coat, rug or blanket, camera or binoculars, reading material
    (reasonable amount), umbrella or walking stick, infant food and bag,
    collapsible wheelchair or assistive devices and Duty Free items”

Thank heaven I can bring my rug on board. And my binoculars… I wouldn’t want to miss watching all the birds we’ll be passing!

All the quotes above have been copied directly from Continental Airline’s Carry-on Baggage page, and have not been modified in any way, except to change the font. This includes that “assistive” word in the Delhi bit.
Generally, I’m not much for lampooning stuff like this, but I figured this was too good to pass up.

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Written by Ethan

April 2, 2008 at 5:27 pm